It’s over, my first week back at work is over and I’m happy to see it go. I only worked two days, but it felt more like a month. The amount of emotion and exhaustion I felt was just too much for two days. Luckily, the first person I saw as I was about to enter the doors of the news center was a friend who a year ago became a mom herself. I burst into tears the second I saw her. She reminded me, there is no crying in baseball (news) and told me a funny story about a friend of hers who was out on a date once and her date picked her up to kiss her and she farted. I then burst into laughter. That worked, for a while. I was able to keep my composure as I tried to portray myself as a capable leader in the newsroom but about seven hours later, and after my husband sent me one picture of my baby, I could no longer hold it in. The tears came back and I couldn’t stop them. So I ran up to my friend’s office who promised me that it would only be this bad on the first day. Tomorrow, she said, would be much better. She shut all the shades in her office and told me to sit there and pump while I prepared for our next show. I did exactly that and I felt connected to my baby again.
Part of my emotion was also partly due to the fact that I barely slept a wink the night before. It wasn’t because the baby kept waking up. It was because the baby wasn’t with me. I thought that it would be a good idea to let him sleep in his nanny’s room for the night before my first day back at work. Big mistake. I ended up waking up constantly. And my husband told me that at one point he saw and heard me crying as I slept. So at 5 AM I went and got him back. I don’t care if he wakes up 10 times a night, I need him with me, in my room, next to my bed, and in the early morning hours, in my arms. That’s exactly where he was the next night.
Day two was much better. Instead of spending the morning crying, I spent it enjoying my time with him. Emotionally I was in a much better place. But my brain was still half working. When I work, I like to give my job 100% and I just didn’t feel like I could. Luckily, I didn’t screw anything up. But it just wasn’t what I wanted from myself. I wish I could attribute it to mommy brain. But now I’m reading that having a baby actually makes you smarter, at least when it comes to matters related to your newborn. So what’s my excuse then?